Three months ago:
I have so many doubts about this summer, I could be doing so many other things! Studying abroad, international missions, working for my mom, interning with church, interning in general, living in my senior house with my best friends, celebrating with all my friends that turn 21 this summer, but instead I'm leaving it all behind. Again. I can't quite explain all that I'm feeling right now. Unprepared, anxious, wary, unsure, confused, sad? Half of me wants to go everywhere, do everything, while the other half of me misses home like no other... And yet, here I am.
I do wonder why I rely so much on my feelings. Maybe it's a girl thing? Maybe it's all about my trust issues. Nevertheless, my thoughts could not be more different. How could I ever be unsure about a job like working for Group Mission Trips? Once again at the end of the summer I'm reminded of how God's plan is always better than mine. I was supposed to be in Charleston this summer. I needed another summer with Week of Hope. I had to meet Molly Gress. It was right that I was challenged in the ways that I was to change my perspective, think more about my relationship with God, and know what it truly feels like to trust Him with everything.
In all honesty, I experienced some of my lowest lows this summer, physically, emotionally, spiritually. There were days where I wanted nothing to do with people, where I feared that I only needed one more issue in order to fall apart. There were moments when I wondered why I was doing all of this in the first place. And there were countless times where I lost focus on God and thought solely of myself and what I needed. It wasn't all sunshine and roses all the time.
However, I experienced more joy this summer than I can remember. And not just enjoying things but seeing joy in all that God did this summer through me and around me. Here's a few moments of joy that fill my heart even now:
- Sitting at check in at 3:00 pm everyday listening to campers retell their God Sightings of the day. While sometimes I didn't understand how their stories were God related, I could see how they were beginning to look for God around them. I could see the cogs begin to turn and things start to make sense for them. It was a pretty cool process I got to be a part of.
- One of my most favorite moments of camp is Wednesday night after the evening program. Wednesday is the night we present the gospel story and apply it to real life. This year we applied it to how we see ourselves, allowing our self image to be reshaped by the view Jesus has of us. Paralleled by the story of Zaccheus, campers looked in reflective paper as they thought about how their view of themselves was different than Jesus' view of who they are and who they are created to be. This is a struggle that I think many junior and high school students can identify with, and older people as well, which is why this night filled me with joy. Every evening I got to watch as dozens of people responded to the truth of the gospel, meet Jesus for the first time, or just reflect on how their self image needed repair from Jesus. So many tears and yet so much healing. It was a sad and yet joyful experience for me to lead, watch, and simply be a part of. God is alive, and He used me to touch hundreds of lives every Wedneaday night this summer. Joy.
- Saturday morning beach sunrises. Yes. If you have never experienced a beach sunrise, you need to. Grab a journal, a bible, a book, a towel, and a Starbucks. Sunrise might be early but there is something about the newness of the day that reveals so much about the character of the creator of the universe. Seriously. So beautiful. If I could I would take that time every day to just rest and watch God reveal beauty with the light of the sun. Peace and joy.
- Laughter. Do you know what it feels like to laugh without hindrance? It's more than joy, it's freedom. There were so many moments this summer where I simply laughed. No bounds, no restrictions, just laughter. And laughing until I cried. Most of these were credited to Molly, or the Meadows especially on Milkshake Mondays. But campers, adults, volunteers, other summer staffers. We experienced life together and in doing so we broke all walls with laughter. That truly fills my heart.
Please look at Elijah in the middle. Creep.
- Real elation: finding out on a Wednesday afternoon that you will be working as an intern with Make-A-Wish Foundation. After worrying all summer about the future of your last year of college and needing an internship and really not liking the idea of not knowing what the future holds after graduation, I was incredibly anxious about the return of school. Seeing God's plan unfold in God's timing is just another greater reminder that He is greater.
I could go on and on. My list is pretty lengthy. But I just wanted to say this: just as we experience God in the big and the small, so too can we experience joy. At camp and in life we can get carried away with trying to figure out what God is doing and we watch for Him in the big and in the small. Joy also is experienced in everything, and much of it depends on perspective. A big lesson I learned this summer is that if you're not so worried about what and why things are happening, then you will find joy in watching how God unfolds his plan. In life we can decide how we see everything, ups, downs, in betweens. But we cannot experience joy until we trust God. His work is not based on our definition of good or bad, but He does work everything out for our good. When we trust in that we can find joy and hope in every circumstance. Despite feelings, despite attitudes, despite judgements. The Spirit enables us to experience joy in Christ and all I can say is that I experienced that this summer.
To God be the glory for this and all the things I got to be a part of this summer. I may not have known why I signed on at first and I might have had incredible fears about the summer, but I know for sure that my perspective has been transformed. I am free to look forward without fear of the future (okay, maybe some fear) but the moral of this story is God has transformed bit by bit my trust in Him. It's been the name of my blog from the beginning, God trusts me. This summer He continued to teach me how to trust Him. I found that trust brings joy, and I can't wait to see what happens as I continue to trust in Him.
Blessed and filled with joy brought by the Spirit. Thanking God for that! Now let the adventure continue! :)
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