The unofficial end

That's a wrap! We have officially ended camp at Christ Lutheran Church in Indianapolis, Indiana. As Caitlyn and I are driving back to Colorado and talking about our weeks together it seems like week one was just yesterday. Crazy how fast this summer went. In just one week I'll be at the lakehouse, three weeks I'll be back at Butler, and in four weeks I'll have finished my first few days of classes. Wow.

This past week brought its own challenges as usual. High maintenance youth groups, troubled campers, and last minute changes galore. Every day was brand new and I only got 2 small naps in this week! If that doesn't tell you how busy this last week was, I don't know what will ;)

This week I was challenged in how I handle unexpected situations and I really learned that I'm not as flexible as I think I am. I can take last minute things to a point but when it keeps coming, I lose my patience. I start to approach things with less grace and more frustration. And I love less like Jesus. This week God showed me that I need to love more and complain less. Go with the flow instead of trying to fight the current.

This summer has been more than I ever could have expected. God has completely rocked my world. I have met hundreds of new people, learned more about my weaknesses, met my best friend, grown in my strengths, seen people come to Christ, and connected to God in ways I never would've thought of. Crazy how one summer can change your life.

As I'm now mentally preparing to return to school and live in a house with 40 other girls I'm quite intimidated by the challenge I will find in being an on-fire Christian in a God-less environment. New roommate, new sisters, new year. It's scary. But God has reminded me over and over again this summer that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. This may be the end of my summer adventures but my journey with the Lord will continue, with all it's ups and downs that life brings. And so onward! Back to the real world and back to BU! :)

"Do not be afraid for I am with you. Do not be discouraged for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." - Isaiah 41:10

It's all downhill from here

This was the most challenging week of my life. Okay maybe that's a little bit of an exaggeration, but it was difficult. While I was prepared for the loss of control that a custom camp brings, I was not prepared for how much this group wanted to change. It was like it wasn't even a week of hope. But God grew me more this week than all the others.

We started the week with hard and heavy hearts. We were just not excited or willing for this change in camp and you could tell. Sunday was a chaos that we had never had before. We were totally unprepared in heart, mind, and spirit. Yes this group was high maintenance and frustrating, however I didn't have to be so stubborn and complain every two minutes. We had the best volunteers yet and a completely energetic group that because of my frustration at the youth leaders and adults I missed the chance to bond with the kids. I felt like all week I just grew more and more angry at them for controlling everything. IT'S JUST NOT THE WAY WE DO IT!

That's a completely selfish thing to say.

This week wasn't about me, it was about them, their experience. Who cares what I think. And because of my insane amount of pride and stubbornness I missed all that God could have showed me earlier in the week. Thankfully, He broke through all of it last night and tonight.

He showed me that I really get in the way of things when I'm not flexible and I try to stick to my plans. And also made me realized that His relationship with me is a lot like my relationship with this group. My best analogy comes from the lyrics of country song "Hard to love" so here they are:
"I'm hard to love, hard to love. I don't make it easy, I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood. I'm hard to love, hard to love. You say that you need me. I don't deserve it but I love that you love me."
I was especially hard to love this week. I mean, no one loves a selfish person. But Jesus loves me even when I can't see through my own stubbornness. How much more should I love others like Jesus when he laid down his life for a person like me. Sometimes I just shake my head at myself.

On a brighter note, one week left! I can't believe this summer is almost coming to an end. Crazy how fast it went!

To Rely on God's Strength

Before Summer staff I thought of fasting as a sort of diet in the name of God. All I knew of fasting was 30 hour famine. But this past week I must say that I really experienced more to fasting.

Thanks to my beautiful partner in crime Caitlyn I committed to a week long Daniel fast. Basically this follows the story in the Bible of how Daniel asked the king to not eat the food of the rich people but instead food of his Jewish people saying that after 10 days him and his men would be more fit than the rest of the king's men. At the end of the 10 days Daniel and his men came out stronger and filled with more wisdom and knowledge than anyone else in the kingdom. The fast consists of only eating fruits and vegetables.

This was by no means an easy task. It took a lot of self control but I found that I felt so much better physically and whenever I felt hungry, that feeling reminded me of why I was fasting. To rely on God's strength and not my own. And by relying on Him I was able to have the best week this summer, being more awake, energized, knowledgeable, and filled with the Spirit. It's hard to explain, but I felt so much closer to God this past week. And it was fulfilling to know that the good week wasn't because of my strength but that God used me to reach people even when I was covered in hives and wanted to curl into a ball on my air mattress.

To fast is to practice self control, commit to a goal, and rely on God to give you the strength no matter what comes your way.

Halfway there!

Well it's been one heck of a week. Last week Caitlyn and I got to go to Cinncinati to help the girls that run the week of hope there. It was so fun to see our friends again but admittedly strange watching them do our jobs. It was really cool to see God work through them even if it wasn't the way that we do things. Turns out there's more than one way to run a successful week!

Even though it was a great week in Cincy, I'm so glad to be home. Maybe I just like to be in control, but I love running my own camps. There's nothing like this job I have. Even though things happen like 2 car accidents in 5 days and your whole body breaking out in hives (yes. Both these things happened in one week!) there's no other job where you get to impact people's lives every day because of the power of God. God is moving and alive and being able to watch Him at work is an incredible blessing. The work is challenging and hard and tired but 100% worth it. It's one of those things you just have to reassure yourself that God would never give you more than you could handle with His help. Even hives all over your body on a Sunday.

It's hard to believe we're halfway done with camps. It feels like yesterday I was training in Colorado. In a mere 5 weeks I'll be back at Butler getting ready for school to start! Craziness.

End of Week 2!

This week was surely a rollercoaster. There were days when the campers definitely tested my patience, especially cocky teenage guys. And then there were days when God completely blew my mind. Like Monday, when I had to poke and prod people (figuratively of course) to get their hospitality tasks done. And then we get to Wednesday and Caitlyn and I get to witness Presbyterians, Methodists, and Catholics worshiping and praying together, AND watch a church celebrate the coming of a student to Christ! The highs of this week were so incredibly high and encouraging while the lows were definitely challenging.

Personally this week I realized that we are all so broken and that everyone needs love and compassion despite the mask they put on. When we keep our mask on and pretend that we have everything together, we miss the incredible work that God can do. While we always need God in our lives, the lows are oftentimes where people learn the most from what God is doing. Without the frustrations of Monday, I wouldn't have been able to experience the joy that was Wednesday and Thursday.

As for myself, I'm broken beyond repair. I cannot possibly fix myself, or act like I have it all together. Because when I do it all builds up and I fall apart. I know this week alone, I fell apart three separate times. Truth is I'm just like the students this week that I identified as being "too cool" for all this. I've been learning a lot from God these past few months all while keeping my brokenness behind closed doors. I've gotten so much strength this past week from listening to the broken stories of the adults from the groups that I know God is trying to tell me something. I need to listen in the broken because God's work it rarely neat and tidy. I will learn so much more if I am healed by God rather than keeping my hurt to myself. Even though that means trusting and letting myself be vulnerable, it also means that I am one step closer to being the person I am meant to be.

So the saying for the rest of the summer is not "fake it 'til you make it" it's Philippians 4:13.

For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength.

Children of God

They warned us in training that each program would affect us differently each week, that even though you may know the ins and outs of the script, you'll learn something new each week. I didn't believe it at first, but now I do.

This week our camp is about the same size but only three groups, one of nine people, one of eighteen people, and one of forty people. I half expected the camp to be very much the same as last week just with different people forgetting that only a month ago I was praying to be challenged in all sorts of ways. And so I was surprised on Sunday when registration went way smoother than expected and Monday morning breakfast was ready at 7 AM! Then I'm all confident about the evening program, thinking to myself that, "I've got this. I know what I'm doing."

Wrong.

No I didn't mess up the program. And yes the word and concept was still told. But the kids did not participate the way I expected. I was expecting the pause, the realization that yes! Jesus CAN make everything new and he is still making right now. What I got was a bunch of goofing off and students not taking the reflection time seriously. And honestly, at first I was a little hurt by this. I mean, why aren't these kids listening to me? Which is a selfish and likely all too common thought. After some time alone to pray and ask for God's work to be done, I sighed and proceeded to clean up after the response activity. Then, Caitlyn stopped me and pointed something out. My response, my physical response, is a lot like Jesus' response to all of us. Sometimes he'll do something spectacular, or something completely normal, and we don't take him seriously. Maybe we sit and talk for a few minutes about what happened, and then continue going our own way. And that's when Jesus probably sighs, looks at us with pity, and starts to make the changes himself, whether we're willing or not.

What's discouraging for me is realizing that it is not in my power to make these students come to know and love Christ. It's just not. I am not more capable of doing that as I am making myself a genius so I can invent a teleportation machine. It's not gonna happen. But I can trust in the fact that God is going to make himself known to these kids, whether they notice him or not. If I'm part of that, then that's fabulous. And if not, I need to trust that God has other things in store for them, other things that will open their eyes to the wonder that is Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And I need to trust that not every night will impact people, not every activity will bring results. But maybe it will, and that's why I need to try.

These kids desperately need to feel the love of Jesus, I know that for sure. My heart breaks for them because of it. I just pray that God would soften their hearts to be able to open their minds and see their potential, and see just how valuable they really are.

My powerhouse

"I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and he saved me from my enemies." -Psalm 18:1-3

Sometimes I forget that God empowers me. I rely too much on my own strength to get things done and I don't ask God to help me and take the time to abide in him. But I really felt strained today. Even though it was only a half a day and I got a nap in, I still felt tired and empty. I've realized that spiritually, I was empty. Sure I was physically rested (sort of) but I was lacking the drive that I need to be able to pour the love of Jesus on these kids.

Short but simple truth I learned today- you can't pour out truth if you're not filled with it.

This psalm helped to remind me that my storehouses of energy are grains of sand in comparison to the powerhouse of strength that God can provide for me. God should be my crutch, my rock, my fortress, my everything. And the way things are going with each passing day, I will forever and always be needing to let him fill me with what I need.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride...

Set up week was crazy! We literally worked all day to set up for camp and it's truly a blessing we had Megan (our volunteer/also a summer staffer) to help us set up. She is a saint. And I'm so glad she is here.

Youth groups came on Sunday. Yay youth groups! We had 4 in total and they are all so wonderful. These kids are so kind and happy and make my job a whole lot easier. While it was super crazy and we forgot a lot of things everyone was in their beds at 11 and all were happy. Of course us red shirts had to get some other stuff done so we stayed up a little later and ate our ice cream. :)

Today was fairly smooth sailing (except for burning 10 pounds of noodles) until about 6:30 when this random person walked in the building. Turns out she was just a troubled teen looking for someone to have a conversation with and a little girl on a bike in the neighborhood told her "You should go to the church over there. I think there's people inside and the door is unlocked." A- How in the world does this little girl know that? And B- Whoa.

As straining as it was to have this girl with us, she was called to be here. God told her to. And the person who was called to talk to get was Caitlyn. She just got to speak such spiritual truth into this teenage life at the same time I was delivering my first spiritual message. God was so in this building tonight. I could feel his calming presence. Even though I was chaotic on the inside, you couldn't tell (according to Megan) on the outside and that's all I needed. I 100% can count on God to pull through in the most stressful situations.

If God brings every day to us like this one, physically the ride will be quite bumpy. But when this summer is over I will be so spiritually filled that I can't even imagine right now. God's presence is so strong here that there is no way I could not benefit. So fill me up Lord, only to pour me out onto the lives of all these people this summer. I'm so ready.

Home sweet home

I wouldn't say the end of training was eventful or sad. It just went by really fast and in a slight haze since the sickness that was going around finally caught me. I spent our surprise free time on Saturday reading and sleeping away my slight fever. Thanks to that down time I had enough energy to take a quick road trip up trail ridge road (the highest point you can drive to!) as the sun set. I must say, it is SO beautiful. You can look up and see literally every star in the sky. Such a wonderful yet small representation of God's work. It wish we had more time to spend there but unfortunately we needed sleep as we would be leaving in less than 12 hours!

Sunday was a blur. Packing up, cleaning up, and moving out. Saying some goodbyes and taking a few moments to pray over what was ahead. Sunday was another one of those "I can't believe I'm here" sort of a thing. Almost surreal. We left Estes and drove to Omaha where Caitlyn and I got a great hour to spend by ourselves swimming in a pool. What a gift!

Then a drive through Iowa, a stay in Yorkville, a day in Chicago, and finally I'm here. Home. I'm so blessed it worked out that I got to stop here. I realized that I really missed my family! And then who would join us for dinner but my Godly women: Tara Beth, Janice, Laura Jean, and Kaylene! It was such a surprise to have them with us and get to see all their smiling faces. Tomorrow is much less intimidating after seeing them!

Once again I'm reminded of how much support I have and how truly lucky I am. I have these 5 (counting my mom!) wonderful faithful women to look up to and model the life a Christian woman should lead. And I feel so encouraged by the love and compassion they pour out onto me. So I need to take a moment and thank all of them.
Thank you TB, for the guidance you have given me in all sorts of times. I'm positive I wouldn't be here without you.
Thank you Janice, for reading my mind when I'm confused and laughing with me when we both are crying in church.
Thank you Laura Jean, for being the bubbly, spirited, faithful, and open-minded person you always are. You brighten up every room you walk into.
Thank you beautiful Kaylene, for your friendship in even the darkest situations and for understanding me so completely.
And thank you Mommy :) I for sure wouldn't be here without you. You are the best mom a girl could ask for.
I'm so blessed by all of you!

Okay. I'll be done now.

Tomorrow, Indianapolis awaits! :)

It's official

While training may not be over yet, today we officially became redshirts. I'm SO excited and honored to wear this red shirt. I wish you all knew. Here's my attire for the rest of the summer. Get ready Indy! We're ready!

Total Awe

Have you ever experienced a time in your life where you can only wonder how you ended up where you are?? I hit that point today. I think I said to Caitlyn multiple times: I cannot believe we get our red shirts in just a few days and we leave on Sunday. SUNDAY! Maybe it was the booking of the travel hotel that put it all into perspective or the loading up of all our equipment for the summer. Whatever it was, I am simply in awe of the fact that I am (almost) a red shirt. I feel like I've been waiting for this moment for 3 years and I never actually thought it would happen. Seriously though, how did I end up here? I guess you actually have to ask me about my story and why I follow God like I do for that specific answer.

While I may know my background, I have not a clue what I did to deserve this job. Nor do I know what to expect to encounter this summer. I may know how to do my actual job, but in ministry it seems like half the job is always the unexpected. Today I'm In awe that God trusts me with all of that, expected and unexpected.

The only thing I can do is hang on, keep my head up, put a smile on, and pray every single second of every day.

And then put on that red shirt.

Just a little Monday pickup...

The craziness of last week lead to a chance to shop in downtown Estes, eat ice cream :), and spend a Sunday at the lake with the rest of the summer staff. After a great weekend off, 6:30 this morning came way too fast. This morning consisted of kitchen training, lodging facility setup, and learning how to place orders using Sysco. Let me tell you ladies an gentlemen, placing a Sysco order sounds quite hard. This is one of those moments I'm so thankful that my mom had me work in the kitchen and do inventory every once in a while. So amidst my confusion at using Sysco and having food for the campers, I found out one of the staff that was training us was also a tri-delta! Some of you may think that's not a big deal, but for me it surely brightened up my day. Kinda weird but it made me feel SO much better about all this. Maybe God knew I would need some encouragement today :)

God is my crutch

As each day of training goes by I'm a little more intimidated by the amount of work I will have this summer. Turns out, my position holds a lot more responsibility than just knowing and presenting the program. With a Workcamp there are four staff members and a Director and MC. With Week of Hope there are two staff members. Period. Our roles are a lot more comprehensive than the Workcamp staff because we have a smaller camp and only two staff members. But camps are run very similarly. Thank the Lord we have a day-by-day checklist. One of my biggest anxieties is that I'll forget something important, and that we'll have to make showers. I know that I can present the program, that's easy for me (yes...public speaking is something I enjoy...). It's everything else that makes me feel very incompetent. As our community MC today said: "Wait God. You want me, ME, to do that?"


I think it's the immensity of the responsibilities of this job that is definitely going to make me depend on God. I can try to convince myself that I have the ability organize (ORGANIZE) the office, prepare the facility, take charge of kitchen supplies, talk on the phone with youth leaders and not sound like a sixteen year old, not make leaders freak out when they realize two 19-year olds are running the camp they paid for, and so many other things I don't even know yet on top of presenting the program. I can probably do like half of those things. Just these past three days of training I have learned that God has to be my crutch this summer. When I wake up in the morning and think, "Just 5 more minutes!!" I will have to rely on the strength of God to get me going (and maybe a little bit of coffee). I will have to ask for help. From my amazing partner, from our volunteers, and most importantly from God.

I've been warned that this job will break me. That I will be challenged in ways I can't even imagine. And I say, bring it. To grow in my faith I need to be challenged, overwhelmed. If I want to grow, I need to learn to trust God in everything I do.

Where am I going?

Well today was surely eventful. Basically, wake up, pack, airport, fly, airport, hang out with 100ish other summer staffers in the Denver airport, drive to Estes Park, unpack, eat, worship, and FIND OUT PARTNER AND LOCATION! Probably the most important part. But first, I need to say that I was SO surprised by everyone here. The encouragement I feel from all these people is incredible, and I haven't even known them for a full day. It's so evident that God is present here in Estes Park and I just pray that we keep this spirit all summer. I'm so excited to see what this summer will bring.

Now my partner is from Yorkville. Yes, that's right. Yorkville, Illinois. Basically the town next to me. We're already strangely similar. This is our first year on staff, we've never been to a Week of Hope before, we've been on three Workcamps, and basically we're from the same city. I'm honestly so excited to get to know Caitlyn this summer. I just know God has some great plans for us.

And now, my location.

I'm headed to the great city of Indianapolis, IN.

Yes. That is where I go to school.

BUT I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE THE NEW ADVENTURES I HAVE IN INDY!!

Here it comes...

I can't actually believe that in about 10 hours from now I'll be boarding my flight to Denver. I never thought this day would come, and now I can't believe it's here. The only word to describe what I feel right now is ready. Not ready in the sense that I have everything packed and the program completely memorized. More like ready for whatever comes my way. I feel so encouraged by my church, my friends, and most importantly my family. This past week has proved to me that no matter what God has in store for me, I've got some pretty incredible people backing me up, and I love every single one of them.

I don't know what God has in store for me this summer, who I'm going to be with, where we're going to go, or who's lives we're going to touch. But with Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and the amazing people I am blessed to have in my life, absolutely nothing will be able to stop the plans God intends for me to have.

So I'm encouraged, nervous, tired, excited, unprepared, anxious, hopeful, and most of all ready.

And this is my prayer tonight. Not only for myself, but also for my fellow, unknown Summer Staffers preparing for a potentially restless night of sleep (credit to Pastor Gary even though this might be out of order!):

May God go behind you to encourage you.
May God go in front of you to show you the way.
May God go beside you to be your best friend.
May God go above you to watch over you.
And may God go within you to give you peace, power, perseverance, and uncontainable joy.

And so, the adventure awaits!

Okay. Maybe I'm a little excited now...

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." - 1 Peter 4:10

As many of you know, this summer I was hired to help lead a mission location for the summer. (I guess that's my simple job description.) My main responsibility (among many others) is to lead the program sessions every morning and evening. Since this is my first summer on staff, you could say I'm a little intimidated by this. All I know of staff is what I have seen by watching them my past three workcamps, mostly just the person leading the program. I can't even imagine that in a few short weeks that will be me, and that somehow by the time I land in Colorado next Monday (8 days!) I'll have this whole program memorized.

Before I got the call to join the Summer Staff team I was planning on going to Guatemala on a mission trip with my home church. My plan was to take those small two-ish weeks out of my summer for serving God. God's plan was to send me to some unknown city with some unknown girl for the ENTIRE summer. Originally, I thought this was a dream come true and that there was no way this was actually happening, why would I be called to talk to people all summer about Jesus? Crazy. Then after a few months of wrapping my head around the fact that I'm actually a program leader for Week of Hope, the end of my freshman year of college, the passing of my inspirational grandma, and a weekend away from real life, I arrived at church this morning emotionally drained and discouraged.

I mean seriously, I'm young, I'm inexperienced, I'm sometimes too spontaneous for my own good, and I'm unprepared. How could I possibly be ready to go to Colorado in 8 days? A main part of the message this morning was about the parable of talents in Matthew 25. God chose this morning to remind me that He has given me talents, some not even known to me yet, that He is calling me to use in this life. When I live my plans, I hide the talents He's given me. Yes, God has trusted me with talents and He wants to see me use them. Just like the rich man giving the gold talents to his servants, Godtrusts me. He knows I can handle what He has given me, even when I think I can't.

So the title of my summer blog is "God trusts ME" to remind me that no matter what may come along, I have God given talents to help me serve those I will encounter this summer. Through unexpected bumps in the road and times of discouragement, I will be reminded that it is God that trusts me.